When I first moved to San Francisco, I moved into of my friend Liz’s place and took over her rent for her while she moved to Milan, Italy. so she can go to school and learn to sew or something gay like that. She was going to the Art Institute and paid $90,000 for a degree but just ended up as a waitress at bj’s. Anyways when I moved to San Francisco i needed a job. Rent is crazy retarded expensive there. so I went around one day in downtown San Francisco looking for a quick retail job it took me about two hours of walking around and applying for jobs that I found Diesel.
Diesel used to be a really cool Italian denim company but they went into high-fashion women’s and men’s clothes but all the shit was geared toward gay euro dudes and their pants eventually stopped being cool and started looking like really fem with bedazzled shit all over them. Opposite of what people in the states wanted wear. I walk into the store and see if they’re hiring for a sales position and the stoner looking white dude I talked to has me fill out an application then asked if I want to do the interview right there. We talked about music and girls the whole time and he gave me the job right there. I really didn’t think I needed the job but I wanted money to go out with. I was doing so much hair on the side that it was covering all my bills but a job will keep me busy and all network quick and retail but if I’m honest I just wanted to meet girls to fuck in this new city.
He told me I start tomorrow at 11 AM the next day. I come in sorta excited to see who I am working with like if there is I’m going to be any babes or not. I thought I saw a few when I went into the store from the internet but I found out 2 seconds into my first day that the whole store was obviously a bunch of gay dudes. I guess I missed that when I came in for the interview. Oh and there was a couple of dikes, a midget, and two decent girls there but they dated the dudes who work in the stockroom. One of their boyfriends was this dude Darren, who was a fucking dick and we really didn’t even get along, the dude was just such a dick.
I was sort of bummed out because of all the gay dudes running around and no girls until they told me I was going to be working on the women’s floor. This place was massive it had eight or nine floors I was going to be working on the fourth floor. They had a DJ booth on my floor and they would have random DJs come play but most of the people they hired I knew or had been friends with for a while. The cool thing I found out pretty quick was they never searched the DJs bag so I’d always put clothes in their bag and when they walk out, I have them wait for me at a bar down the street from the store and when I got off work they give me the clothes. Scumbag shit. On the floor I worked on I had to work with this huge super faggot named Casey who is telling on me every chance he got. I had to stop myself from beating his ass at least a thousand times a day. On my first day working there I headed back to the stock room for some jeans a customer wanted and that’s when I met Darren. I said what’s up, but He refused to talk to me or shake my hand when I first met him.
When I was in the back later on in the week there was the slidable racks in the back and he saw me in the middle of these two racks looking for a shirt or something and he slid the rack hard as fuck and squished me in between them and I couldn’t turn around or anything and they were too heavy to move with the position I was in but I could hear him laughing. I never wanted to beat someone’s as so bad, I don’t even know this fool. He walked off I had to yell until someone heard me to move the rack and let me out.
This story is not about everyone who I hated at diesel it’s about shitting on a dudes face for money so I guess I’ll just get right to it , enough foreplay . there was a dude at Diesel named Brandon who did the window displays at diesel he was another gay dude. look for now on, everyone in this story is gay but me it’s San Francisco so just assume they’re gay unless I say otherwise.
So this dude Brandon and I were stuck together for two weeks straight because they were turning the floor I worked on into a spaceship or something so me being me I’d ask him about all the freaky gay stuff he does. Eventually he told me what he’s into basically what he does is he buys those inflatable camping toilet seats you blow up so you can shit and piss in comfort in the woods. Well what he does is he finds people, well not people but dudes specifically dudes to shit and piss on his face but not just any people he told me that he specifically only likes for vegetarians or vegans to shit on his face because their poop is cleaner? I guess is the texture maybe it’s cleaner if you eat only leaves or something.
He told me he would put ads on Craig’s list to find these guys and he has to mostly pay a few hundred dollars to get the real hot guys to do it which makes sense I guess it’s better to get your face shit on by someone hot then ugly. He told me he really wanted a new hot guy to shit on him but that they’re hard to find. That’s normal, but at the same time I didn’t think he was hitting on me I guess asking gay dudes what they’re into could seem like I’m sort of hitting on them but that’s just me being curious, not gay curious just like curious and what type of person they are.
Over the next few months I slowly became cool with Darren he just randomly started being nice which was chill because I wanted to beat his ass. We eventually got mad cool and we would go to parties together and we became really chill. It was weird because of how much of an asshole he was when I first met him and when he slammed the shelves together on me in the stockroom. We had one of those weekends, we were partying together we got crazy retarded fucked up and he told me about how Brandon had a crush on me and I just laughed and told him “yeah I can tell he’s always staring at me” Darren starts laughing and just tells me how “I didn’t like you at first because I heard shit about you that’s why I slammed those shelves on you, but then Brandon kept bugging me about you and gave me $60 to do some recon on you and to see if You would be down to doing something with him, I just wanted his money and then I realized you’re pretty cool”.
I don’t think Darren knew that Brandon told me that he likes to get shit on but I just looked at him like I was kinda confused And told him “yeah that’s chill” and Darren just goes “ dude I gotta ask you something I’m just gonna ask you because he won’t stop texting me about it dude would you shit on Brandon’s face for $500!?” I look at him like what the fuck!? Type of look but really I was just acting because I already knew about the shitting on the face fetish situation just didn’t wanna explain that and look gay but he’s sitting there looking at me like I’m retarded but he goes” for $500 !?” I go “ is this for real” he goes” yeah this is for real he’s texting me right now and he’s asking me to ask you this”.
It was just me Darren and this other dude Mikey we worked with. The problem with living in San Francisco was that it is amazing but it’s expensive as fuck. Some dude wanting me to shit on his face for $500 was weirdly a good opportunity to make some extra cash. I think I was paying $1300 or $1350 at the time for this tiny studio. I would smash mad hoes there because of the location. The location was just so awesome. Right next to all the big clubs.so I could just take girls back and smash then head out across the street and get another.
Anyway back to the story. Darren looks at me like and is like “so you down I gotta texted him back” I just sort of shrugged,I knew I wanted the money but not like that but lowkey was down. No homo. That fag Mikey wanted me to do it so he could laugh at me. Darren goes “that’s why I asked you if you ate meat. I guess he likes vegetarian poop better maybe it’s the way it tastes or how the log lays on his face “after a few more shots and them bugging me all night to do it I finally get fucked up enough and I just kept thinking about the money and I go “fuck it I’ll do it but you guys can’t tell anyone” they go “yeah sure” fuckin liars they end up telling everyone. would it be fucked up to put a picture of Brandon in the book ? Just so you know what he looks like? I mean it’s not really that bad of a thing to do.this story isn’t gay right? it’s $500.
It sounds sorta gay I guess but way less gay especially when you’re broke like I was. I guess I will be broke again when I get out of prison. Hit me up Brandon! I wonder if that dude is still around and getting shit on. he would have to pay me a little more now to make up for inflation it’s been a few years now. I had Darren text Brandon immediately and tell him to start blowing up that camper shitter thing because I’m down. He told me he texted him and he would work out all the details with him like any talent agent would do for his clients. Darren tried to try to high-five me but I wasn’t feeling it but Mikey and him did and hugged each other. They thought it was the funniest shit ever. Mikey told me to make sure to tell them all the details and don’t make eye contact or it will be gay and to hold my sack and dick so he doesn’t try to suck on them or something.
I said” fuck that I’m going to take the biggest nasty shit on that dudes face, I want to drown him….in shit” we all thought it would be a good idea to Google how to take the biggest shit possible. There is surprising a lot of sites dedicated to this. The route we took was to eat lots of meat. Real meat not penis. I know this story is mad gay but come on don’t be a fag. then we’d buy a bottle of that milk of magnesia, apparently that should make you shit huge logs with that but only if you eat a ton of meat and if you didn’t you just spray shit.
Which sounded like a good idea to, so either way I’m sure Brandon will enjoy it. Win win. Brandon texted Darren a little later And said he was going to work all week so it would have to be sometime during the day on the weekend. Darren asked for the money upfront for me but he said he didn’t trust me to show up if he did that and I might run off with the money or something. Darren asked for a deposit he said “no” so basically I was going to see this dude at work every day and he will be counting down the days for me to shit on his face.
During that whole week I would come to work all pissed off. I just wanted to get this over with and shit on his face and to make even gayer Brandon would stare at me all day at work and when we would make eye contact all awkwardly. I will get pissed and stop what I was doing and I would walk off. Might be one of the gayest weeks of my life. I mean I hope nothing has topped that. on Thursday of that week Brandon texted Darren to meet him in the back room on the shoe floor. Darren texted me right after he got the text that he was meeting him back there, so he went back there to meet him and he gave him a piece of paper with instructions on it he walked out of the room and found me and gave it to me while he was dying laughing.
Obviously I had to read it all creeped out it said “if you’re uncomfortable You don’t have to do it all” but for reaI who is comfortable with taking a poop on someone’s face? I feel like only super rich people get that way. Any way the letter keeps going and said all I have to do is walk in his apartment I don’t have to knock or anything and I will see him laying on the floor with the white toilet seat on his face . he said he will turn music on so it’s not awkward and to help me go. God damn I’m so mad remembering this gay shit I am in the prison library right now writing this in the open I hope no one sees what I’m writing. The rest of it just had the date and time.
He seemed to be very punctual. I finished reading the note and feel dirty after reading it and we head downstairs to show Mikey so he could laugh at me too. oh yeah I fucked up and said the money will be on the counter but I can’t take it until I am all done shitting on him .” all turds must be expelled from my anus” lol I’m kidding it wasn’t like a legal document or anything but still I am to depart for shitting at 11 PM on Saturday this Saturday. later that night after work I text Darren to tell him to tell that faggot I’m not doing it I’m out. I was getting cold feet before the big day. I mean I was just sitting at work all day reading this note that he gave Me thinking about this whole situation like walking into this dude’s apartment to shit on his face ???? Dude nooo this isn’t real life.
Darren texted me back and told me “dude it’s 500 bucks and no one is going to say shit I can’t exactly go around town talking about my friend shitting on some dudes face it’s $500 to shit on some dudes face is like the easiest money ever” but he did go around and told everyone but whatever I owned that shit And I know deep down they were wanting to do it to because they were broke San Francisco hipsters. Anyway after some back-and-forth with him and him lying to me about never going to talk about the situation ever, I finally came around and told him I would do it . the next 24 hours were the longest 24 hours ever . the morning of comes and everybody was texting me like Darren and Mikey nonstop since I I’m guessing they woke up to see if I had done it yet. Darren texted me at 7am, like come on dude. It was hard to sleep that night because I had been holding my shit in forever. I must have ate 5 pounds of carne Asada and ate 2 huge chipotle burritos. I was creating a weapon. I just didn’t reply to them I was too pissed off I didn’t want to. I was as close to giving birth as humanly possible for a guy. I was letting off some vicious farts. Shit that would make me gag.
It was about time to get this over with finally. I really didn’t have to talk myself into it , I just needed to shit. I had only a few minutes left to do this, I couldn’t physically keep this demon inside me anymore. about two hours later after I finish I text Darren to meet me at the “castle” a dive bar by my apartment we used to go to all the time in the tenderloin called the Edinburgh Castle. a pretty legit shit hole but made to look like an old castle inside. he text me “back be right there!!!!” and they mobbed over there. Darren was the first to get there. I was just sitting at our table the one we usually are at, all alone on my phone. as soon as he sees me he yells “did you fucking do it!?!?!?” across the bar and I just mug him and wave him over. He sits down and he is looking at me and is like “sooooooo did you do it!?” I was all “let’s order drinks and wait for Mikey and I’ll tell you everything” was just kind of pissed off at myself and was trying to process what had just happened.
Darren has no patience so he calls Mikey to get him over there as soon as possible. he goes “he wants to tell you everything how long until you’re here!?” , l how far are you!?” “ you haven’t left yet !?” “you said you were on your way !?!” “fuck man hit me up when you leave!!” he was so pissed, he just couldn’t wait any longer. I’d be the same way though , it’s just annoying when you’re the one pooping on gay dudes faces. I’m sort of getting pissed thinking about it now. I’m already having a shitty day in prison, I almost beat some dudes ass today in line for breakfast and I and 22 days away from going home. Deep breaths alright back to the shit story. so we wait and wait, 8,000 hours it seemed like for Mikey to roll through but I kept buying drinks so whatever “. Daren was like “are you using the shit money to buy us drinks? because You never buy drinks for anyone”. Mikey finally shows up and we wait for him to order a drink he gets his drink and heads over and sits down and goes “tell me what happen” I go “before I tell you guys what happen you could never repeat this”
Mikey and Darren look at each other “yeah sure you could trust us dude don’t trip “ I go “okay” I take a pause then a drink and I begin to tell them about my journey.. “he was only a block away from me so I just walked over there and I sat outside his apartment wondering if I should do this or not but I really needed the money but I also had been holding my shit for two days. I was in so much pain I hardly made it over there. Like people think a turtle head is funny, I for real had like an inch of shit hanging out my butt. Just one long log. It hurt, I just wanted it out of me. I finally I just said fuck it and walked to the door and he buzzed me in. the whole time I was walking up the stairs to his apartment I was wanting to turn around but I had to shit so bad I couldn’t turn around I only had one option. I just kept going and so I get up to his door and I don’t even pause you know to take a deep breath and to think about it one more time.
I just opened the door and I see this dude just laying there with no lights on and he has some crazy metal music on I just saw the white camper toilet thing on his face and he wasn’t making any noise thank God or talking”. Mikey butts in and says that would be funny if he said “ yum” then I told him to shut up and let me finish. I start back up again and I go “ I sorta didn’t waste time I just walked up to him the floor was all creaking and shit and I was trying to be quite. I don’t know why? Like I was going to just sneak in and leave a dump on his forehead and leave and him never know I was there. I get to him and I just turn around to sit on the toilet thing so my legs were above his head not a crossed or over his body.
So I felt like I was just taking a shit a normal shit. I didn’t want to see or hear him I just found a spot on the ceiling and looked up at it the whole time. I undid my pants and tried to keep them up a little. So I can hold my balls and dick like Mikey said ( good strategy) then I just sat down as quick as I could to get it over with when I went to sit down the little white thing slid over and kinda fell. so I had all my weight on it and I sort of fell and said “oh shit” I could hear him sorta laughing and made me wanna leave but I’m a savage and just shut it all out and refocused. I can see the money on the table to. I fix the position of the camper toilet. I just went back to looking at the spot on the ceiling and at this point there is not holding back.
I let it go the biggest shit of my life I don’t even know how he could breathe I couldn’t stop shitting. It was violent, like one of those ones where your arms and legs and everything go weak. The little camper shitter thing was kinda comfortable not going to lie. I just wish I was using it for what it was meant for. Well I guess i was but minus the whole dudes face thing. Anyway I figured I’d stay and finish I was there for 15 minutes and shiting the whole time no courtesy flush nothing or courtesy swallow ha!
I could tell I was about done and I had forgotten to bring toilet paper so I started to freak out I wasn’t going to ask if he had some. How would that even go down? I wouldn’t be able to understand him. I didn’t even know if he was alive still, he wasn’t moving. I looked around freaking out for toilet paper and then I spotted it next to the money. I got up and wobbled over to it with my pants and underwear around my legs. I grabbed it and wobbled back to him or where the “toilet” was and I start to wipe I take one wipe and then I stood there like a dumbass for a second I didn’t know where to drop the toilet paper. So after a few second pause I just drop it in the toilet on his face I don’t look into it though I don’t want to make eye contact. I just threw the paper in and go to the next wipe. I get all cleaned up and I don’t say anything. I just pull my pants up and grab the money and leave 10 minutes later I get a text from him saying “thanks”.
There is no way he cleaned all that up in ten minutes I’m sure he just chilled with it on his face taking selfies. I spent like $300 of the $500 that night trying to forget what I did and the other 200 on blow but before I quit working at diesel I had around 75 pair diesel denim that I had stolen quite a collection. I would throw the new jeans I wanted in the trash then when I got off work I go get them out of the sumpter in the back. the stealing got so bad that me and this black dude from Jamaica would steal all the fashion runway pieces that were like $2,000 or more and we would sell them on eBay and split the profit. Anyway, YOLO I guess?